I feel compelled to write this post just because I feel so loved today, it is much different than anything I've ever written before and tell you the truth, I am thinking that I will probably delete it by the time I am done writing because this is my one secret...
I have always been extremely honest because that is just who I am but for the past 3 weeks I had a secret...a big one! As a result of this secret, we began praying big prayers and planning for a complete rearranging of our lives. Nausea, fatigue, and worry about what comments I would face consumed my days. My expanding body was quite disturbing to me because it had never expanded this fast before. How was I supposed to keep my secret hidden if my body wouldn't cooperate. I felt like I had to keep my secret until I had all the right answers for the questions that people would ask. Their inevitable questions and comments cluttered my brain: "You do know how that happens don't you?" "What are you going to do about child care?" "Where are you going to put the new one?" "Isn't your house only 2 bedrooms?" "Are you crazy?" We decided to tell no one. We'd keep our little secret until we could keep it no more. As the days passed by our excitement grew. We prayed daily for this little one and asked God to provide. Our new baby would arrive September 13th, 2009.
On January 25th, at 7 weeks pregnant, God took our baby home to be with Him. We were heart broken. A piece of me was gone and in a moment life drastically changed again. Sadness overwhelmed me but I had to go about life like normal since no one knew my secret. I put a smile on my face and went about my days while inside, emptiness and sadness tortured my soul.
My God is good all the time. As bizarre as it may sound, He allowed me to see how much He loves me through this situation. In my sorrow, I turned to Him and He comforted me through my best friends in the world. I poured my heart out to them and they were there for me. There were no insensitive comments or effort to say the "right thing." It was just pure and genuine concern and love for me. They showered me with kindness and prayer and began to heal my broken heart. Although this seemed more than enough for me, God still had more love to pour over me.
To call Chuck and Pam a blessing in my life is a huge understatement. Words cannot describe how much they mean to us. They have taken in our kids as if they were their own grandbabies; they treat Ricky and I like a son and daughter; they have been beyond generous with us; and Chuck has provided me with the most perfect and fulfilling job and work environment that I could have ever asked for. Because of the relationship we have established with them, Ricky felt safe enough to share our secret with Chuck after we miscarried. Chuck mourned with Ricky, prayed with him, and imparted wisdom on him. The next day at work his heart was overflowing with concern for me. He couldn't help but share words of encouragement with me and pray with me and let me know that he hurt with me. What a blessing.
I have felt abundantly loved these past few days in the midst of one of the most difficult times in my life. Losing this baby has caused me to fall more in love with my Savior because He has so clearly shown me how much He loves me through His people: Angela, Kathy, Breanne, Jen, Chuck, and Pam.
Thank you Lord for the beautiful people in my life who do your will and in the process comfort your broken child. Thank you for making your love for me so evident through them. You are so good to me even though I am undeserving. I love you...Please give my baby a kiss for me...
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18