It had been a good day up until that point but a long one. It was about 6:30 at night and I had been by myself with the kids all day. I was in the middle of cooking dinner and Noah was running wild through the house and screaming at the top of his lungs, Maia was on the floor in the kitchen throwing her 7th tantrum in the last 10 minutes, and Ricky had just called to inform me that he'd be home even later than he thought. I was about to go insane. I finished cooking and got Noah in his high chair and then dragged Maia to her high chair while she flailed and arched her back. While attempting to get her settled in her chair she threw her head back and hit it really hard on the back of the chair which caused her to scream even louder. I prayed with the kids for their food while Maia continued to scream. Then I handed them their chicken tacos. Bad idea. Maia picked hers up and all of the insides fell out over her. I ran over to try to cleanup the mess and she screamed and started into another tantrum, throwing her water cup across the table and taking a swing at me. At that point I lost it. I could not take anymore of her screaming and demanding her way. I completely lost my cool. I got right in her face and yelled at the top of my lungs, "MAIA, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE BEING A BAD GIRL! STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!" I yanked her out of her seat, cleaned her up as much as I could, and went on the hunt for the spanking spoon. Good thing it was hard to find, because by the time I found it I had calmed down. I administered her spanking and marched her back to her high chair and ordered her to stop crying.
When I looked over at Noah, I saw his mouth slowly turn into a frown and his bottom lip began to quiver. Then, big tears rolled down his face and he broke down crying, "It's hurting my ears mama. Maia's hurting my ears. My ears hurt, mama." My heart broke. Lord, what have I done? My poor little boy just witnessed 3 minutes of straight loud chaos and watching his mommy turn into a monster. Why didn't I just keep my cool? How do I fix this?
I picked my little boy up, held him and told him it was all going to be okay. He looked up at me with his big brown watery eyes and matter-of-factly stated, "Mommy, you need your coffee." I started laughing and crying all at the same time. He knows that coffee makes me happy and so at that moment all we needed was a little coffee to make everything okay.
I hugged my little boy and prayed for wisdom. I sat both the kids down and explained to them that mommy was naughty. I was wrong for yelling like that and I asked them for forgiveness. Then we prayed together and I asked God to forgive me for losing my temper as well. I apologized to Noah for hurting his ears and thanked him for suggesting some coffee to calm me.
I was so disappointed in myself and had a hard time shaking off my guilt. As I prayed and asked God for forgiveness, I felt that He really spoke to me. He said that this is not the last time I am going to make a mistake as a parent and as much as that seems daunting, He will love me no matter what and will be there there to help me pick up the pieces. I need to learn from this situation. I need to know when I am getting to my boiling point and figure out another way to deal with it other than yelling at the top of my lungs in my kid's face! I also need to never be afraid to admit to my kids that I was wrong and ask their forgiveness.
Oh and I learned that Maia and I are a lot alike. If I don't figure out soon how to break her strong will, her teen years are going to be very unpleasant for Ricky and I.