Letter to Mid-Life Crisis Man

Dear Mr. Mid-Life Crisis Man,

You have been our neighbor for about a year now and although I prayed daily for your departure it seems you are here to stay. Because of your prolonged stay, I decided that it is time I address your Mid-Life Crisis ways in hopes that I will refrain from vandalizing your stereo, car, and vocal chords and you will grow up and realize that you are a 45 year old man who is responsible for his 5 children.
I understand that you are unemployed however the rest of your neighbors are responsible citizens and are employed and must wake up early to go and earn their living. Thus, we do not appreciate you partying in your garage until 3:00 a.m. yelling to the high heavens in your drunken state. No one wants to hear the inappropriate language that you and your ever changing lady friends use. My child sleeps directly above the garage that you party in and he does not wear ear muffs to sleep.We also do not care for the 80s butt rock that you blast from your car upon your return from the bars at 2:00 a.m. We'd appreciate it if you kept your music to yourself at these hours.
Next I'd like to address the issue of your car. To put it simply: Nobody thinks you're cool because of your car. No amount of revving your engine will change that. It is pointless to rev your engine every time you leave and every time you return, especially at 2 a.m. when my kids are trying to sleep. Also, when your16 year-old daughter's friends are over for a visit, you can stop peeling out in your car down the alley to try and impress them because I am almost positive that they are unimpressed. It would probably serve you well to look into a 4 door mini-van or SUV that would be better equipped to transport your 5 children. Your 2 door, "corvette engined" pontiac just isn't cutting it. I know it will be hard to give up your loud engine and the youthfulness that you feel driving around in your obnoxious sport's car, but let's face it, you are no longer a youth.
Lastly, I like to suggest that you stop partying with your teenage children and their friends. I know that it probably makes you feel young when you drink beers with the teenagers and hang out in your garage all night long (which is once again directly underneath my children's bedroom) but if I was one of your kid's friends, I can guarantee that I would be thoroughly creeped out by you. Mr. Mid-Life Crisis Man, might I advise you that you are the parent and should start acting like one.
In summation get a job, get a mini-van, be quiet, and grow up!


Sincerely,
Practically Insane Mother of Two Babies with Whom You Share a Wall