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Monday, August 11, 2008

Jack of All Trades. Master of None.

I cried yesterday. I am going to blame breast feeding hormones...is there such a thing? I don't know but that is what I am blaming. Last week was a rough one. I started back to work. I work Tuesday thru Thursday and on Sundays (I work for a church.) Noah had a hard time with me going back to work and was extra whiny all week and was really clingy with me whenever I was home. It broke my heart to think that he didn't want me to leave him. Also he usually loves his aunts and uncles and grandparents to hold him and play with him but he was more hesitant last week for fear that if they held him, I would leave. Yep, it pretty much sucked. Sunday was the straw that broke the camel's back. It is normally a rough day for me with the church schedule and all. It started off okay. I took Maia with me to church and Ricky met me there with Noah for the second service. We usually leave to go home at about 12:45 and Maia eats at 1. Well, we didn't end up leaving until a little after one which meant that Maia screamed her head off and gagged herself with her fingers the whole drive home. I felt like a horrible mother. What kind of mother starves her child like that? We got home at about 1:45 and I ran upstairs and fed her.  Noah wanted me to hold him all afternoon and refused to take a nap. And I just kept feeling more and more guilty. I am supposed to leave to go back to work at 5 but because Maia ate late, she was ready to eat at 5 right when I am supposed to leave. I called to say I'd be late. I figured I would leave Maia at home with Ricky and Noah because she wouldn't be hungry again until 8. BAD IDEA! At 7:15 I receive a text from Ricky while I was in church saying that Maia was screaming because she was hungry. I bolt out of church, jump in in my truck and try to race home. What kind of employee arrives late and leaves early? I catch every red light as I make my way to the freeway. My heart is thumping, my boobs inflate with milk, and my mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about what kind of horrible mother starves her kid twice in one day. As I get on the freeway, Ricky calls me and I hear Maia Belle screaming so loudly it hurts my ear, my boobs start to leak. He tells me that he is just going to thaw some of my stored milk and give her a bottle. I begin to cry. He feels bad and says that she is not that bad and he will hold her off for another 10 minutes until I get there. I get home, run upstairs to find a frazzled hubby and baby sucking the life out of a pacifier hoping it will eventually give her some milk. He gives me a funny look as he stares at my milk stained shirt. I sit down to feed Maia and my husband asks me what I want for dinner. I cry harder. What kind of wife leaves no food in the house while she leaves to work with the car seats in the car so that her husband can't leave to get himself something to eat? Thank God that Ricky is just the sweetest husband and didn't once complain about the crying child or being left with no food. 
 So there you have it, I do it all but can't seem to master any of them. Do any of you mothers out there have these kinds of days? 

3 comments:

Jen Resendez said...

You poor thing! Taleah, you are an awesome mother, the new schedule is just going to take some adjusting! YOu are doing a great job! please let me know if you need anything this week!

Jennifer D. said...

Your post almost made me cry!! I remember when Jack was a baby, I would get SO frantic when he was hungry. I have many days when I feel like I'm not doing a good job! Your not alone! I think if we didnt second guess ourselves that might be the sign we are'nt doing so good:)

Sarah said...

Sweet you. I have completely had those moments. Man. I can't articulate it right now, because it's so real and often - I need to be a little further removed from the emotion of it before I can put it into words.

But know that you aren't alone in that.

And also know that you are an incredible wife and mom and employee. You can't do it all. You aren't supposed to.