Mama Etiquette

 

I had many rookie mom moments when I first had Noah, but since having Maia, I have felt pretty confident in my mothering and feel as though I have graduated past the rookie stage. However, I realized the other day that I am still a rookie when it comes to being a mom at birthday parties or family gatherings. I left the party with the following questions...

How do I tell the little girl in the jumper that Noah doesn't like to be caught in a headlock and wrestled to the floor 5 times in a row?

Should I pull my 1 1/2 year old and all the other little ones like him out of the jumper thingy when the big kids start UFC fighting in the jumper or should I start chanting "fight, fight, fight" like a high schooler and hope the kids' mothers come and stop them?

How do I ask relatives without hurting their feelings not to put germ infested fingers into Maia's mouth because she wants something to chew on? Do they know how many nasty germs are on fingers? I know this is really not that big of a deal to some people, but to me it is! It makes me want to gag. The only time I put my fingers in my kids' mouths is directly after washing my hands with anti-bacterial soap. I will not even use a towel to dry my hands because I don't want any germs from the towel to get in their mouths.

How do you explain to your 1 1/2 year old that it is okay to hit the pretty butterfly pinata as hard as he can with a baseball bat, but not okay to hit other toys or kids with it?

Once the pinata is broken, how do you convince your 18 month old to get in the midst of all the choas and pick up all the candy he can for Mama. This was especially confusing for Noah because Mama was asking him to pick up all the "yuckies." (This is what I call candy, so that he won't want it.) 

How do I explain to people why my kid is eating tomato and cheese slices while everyone around him is eating cake? Do I tell them I'm a Nazi health food mom and make them feel sorry for my deprived child? Do I lie and tell them he's allergic to sugar and processed foods? 

When your kid poops in his diaper and leaves a trail of nasty odors as he walks by people who are eating, is it okay to blame one of the other kids to save yourself the embarrassment?

How do I ask the over-zealous relative to put my son down when he is frantically crying because the over-zealous relative kind of freaks him out and won't let him go?