You Can't Hurry a 2 Year Old

I recently discovered that you can't hurry a 2 year old when he is trying to "take care of business." Recently while eating at "The Fire Restaurant" (Wabi Sabis), Noah informed me that he had to go poop right as our food was being served. Knowing that this is usually a long process, I decided to try to encourage a speedy delivery of the deposit while in the bathroom with him...

Me: Buddy, I need you to hurry up because mommy doesn't want her food to get cold.

Noah: Okay, it's coming.

waiting waiting waiting

Noah: It's not coming.

Me: (Knowing that I'll end up in the bathroom again in two minutes if I let him get up) Well, just relax and sit for a minute.

waiting waiting waiting

Noah: This one flushes by itself mommy?

Me: No, this toilet does not flush by itself. (Getting really impatient) Do you still have to poop? Noah: Yeah.

Me: Well hurry up buddy. Everyone's going to be done eating by the time you go poop!

Noah: Kay.

Noah: The fire is not scary mommy?

Me: No the fire is not scary Noah.

waiting waiting waiting

Noah: Something is bah-dering me back here.

Me: It's just the seat cover. You're fine. Daddy and Maia are going to be done eating and leave without us if you don't hurry! Concentrate on going poop so we can go eat.

He begins to pee

Noah: (Matter of factly) First the pee pee comes then the poop.

He grunts and tries to push

Noah: The poop doesn't want to come out. I don't have to go. We try again later. Your food's cold mommy?

Our food was cold, my husband thought we'd fallen in the toilet and were lost forever, and the server gave us weird looks and rightly so, we'd been in the bathroom for about 15 minutes.