The Day I Almost Gave My Kid Away

Monday was going to be a beautiful sunny day and I decided to play hooky from my mom group and take a family beach day here is a break down of my day

6:11 A.M. Ricky and I have our pillows over our heads and are getting angrier by the second listening to Noah start the morning off whining like a dying cat from his crib for no reason at all.

6:20 A.M. We've had enough. Ricky goes in and threatens to throw away all his toys if he keeps up the whining. Noah goes back to sleep.

7:55 A.M. I am attempting to get myself ready with an 11 month old tugging at my shorts and whining for me to pick her up. Meanwhile Noah has gotten a hold of the sunblock...

8:00 A.M. Noah got sunblock in his eyes and now has a reason to whine. He is making matters worse by rubbing his eyes and is screaming uncontrollably.

8:15 A.M. His eyes are red and swollen and I have already rid his entire face, hands, and arms of the sunblock but he is still rubbing them and crying. I pull out the Visine, he screams some more...

8:45 A.M We finally leave the house with what feels like the entire house in tow along with 1 kid who is still whining, and one who is annoyed at her brother's whining and threatening to bite anyone in sight. I am thinking about jumping out of the moving vehicle.

9:30 A.M Finally on our way to the beach after a quick expensive Target stop for beach toys, sunblock, sunglasses, a hat, swim diapers, and eye drops (weird how you go shopping for one thing and end up getting something from every aisle).

10:00 A.M. The kids are asleep. We are revelling in the peace and quiet and pray that they stay asleep until we get to the beach.

10:15 A.M. We are on the side of the freeway with a flat tire. Ricky is on the floor under the truck fixing it. Maia is crying and irritated that I won't take her out of the carseat. Noah is whining because I won't let him turn the heater on and asking "where is babe?" (babe= Ricky)

11:45 A.M. We are finally at the beach and guess what Noah is doing...that's right, he is WHINING because he is afraid of the water and doesn't like the sand that is sticking to his hands. Maia is eating the sand for lunch.

1:30 P.M. I am ready to pull my hair out because Noah will not stop whining. I give him a pacifier and tell him that if he goes to sleep he won't have to deal with the sand anymore. I put Maia down in the wagon and pat her back until she falls asleep.

1:50 P.M. I shoot death stares at the two ladies next to us who are laughing way too loudly. I mumble to myself, if they wake up my kids, I will drop my kids off on their laps and leave! Let them be tortured by the incessant whining.

1:55 P.M. I remember that I didn't change Maia out of her wet swim diaper before I put her down...oh shoot...but there is no way I am waking her up. I need at least one hour of NO WHINING and nobody needing anything from me.

3:00 P.M. Maia wakes up screaming. This is not like her. I know that she probably has poop in her wet swim diaper...yup, I was right. She now has a bloody, raw, awful, diaper rash. I pray that all of the beach goers near us suddenly become deaf so that they don't hear her pained screams as I pour bottled water on her bottom and try to get all the sand and poop cleaned up. P.S. Noah is whining because he is worried about Maia.

3:15 P.M. Maia is crying because it hurts to sit in her car seat. I feel like a horrible mother.

4:00 P.M. Noah has asked about 1,141 times to drive (because we let him "drive" while Ricky was changing the tire earlier). I say no for the 1,141st time. He whines for the 3 millionth time today. I make good on my threat, pull him out of his carseat and spank his little butt...(don't bother calling CPS, I am sure they've already been notified by the people in the car next to us). It works. He stops whining until we get to my parents' house.

4:30 P.M. We get to my parents' house and the whining starts all over again. Noah decides to let the entire neighborhood know that he is in his Terrible Twos. I am sure my parents are wishing we'd just go home and take our loud, whiny, bratty child with us. They would have kept the "diaper rashed" one because they felt so bad for her. We put Noah in the pack and play until he decides to stop whining.

6:00 P.M. All is calm. Noah decided that it didn't pay to whine afterall and stopped whining. He joined the family for dinner and became everyone's entertainment. We take Maia's diaper off and let her roam naked for awhile to air out her diaper rash.

7:15 P.M. I put the kids to bed, serve myself some whiskey and drink myself to sleep...okay JUST KIDDING...I pack their bag for the next day, do some laundry, read my Bible, and beg God to spare me from Noah's whining tomorrow. I let him know that He will find me in a mental ward rocking back and forth in a dark corner humming to myself if I hear whining ever again.