Please ignore the screaming child in the background...eventually she will cry herself to sleep. Anyways, let's get to the reason for this letter. There is absolutely no reason for you to come investigate me and take my children from me. My parents have been reading my blog and are worried that their grandchildren will be taken away and thrown into "the system" because of my posts. Let me assure you that both my husband and I love our children deeply and do our best to provide a loving and safe environment for them to grow up in. If you could just overlook the bruise on my son's cheek and the bump protruding from his forehead that would be great. I just can't seem to convince the kid that he is not yet steady enough on his feet to run. I m currently in the process of covering all my walls with foam and cushioning my floors with bubble wrap. I also am working on never being more than two feet away from my kid when he plays outside so as to prevent him from falling. I will also be investing in a helmet and full body protective gear for him. Please continue to disregard the crying baby, I know it's been 15 minutes but I promise she will eventually fall asleep, it's called "self-soothing." If this too is reason for investigation, I will invent a device in which I can carry her at all times. This may mean that I will be compromising my personal hygiene as it will be quite difficult to use the restroom and shower with my daughter connected to me. I will also need some monetary compensation from you as I will be fired from my job for not being as effective. Oh, and one more thing, my marriage will most likely not work out since it will be impossible to have a good relationship with my husband while I am following 2 feet behind a one year old and have a baby connected to me at all times. So, if you could help me figure out a solution to that, that would be greatly appreciated.
In closing, there is no reason for concern despite what you may read on this blog. Moreover, with all of the precautionary measures mentioned above, my kids will never get a bump or bruise and will never have reason to cry again.
Soon to be perfect mother of two
P.S. Noah has been relieved of his house cleaning duties. I have stocked up on energy drinks so that I never have to sleep. I now clean the house at night while my children are asleep.