1. When I say, "We are having a family gathering at 5:00p.m." it means there will be at least 50 people there including people I do not know, but who are somehow "my cousins" and everyone will not get there until 7:00p.m. Punctuality is relative.
2. At some point my grandmother will call you, me, or someone in the room fat at every family function or will let us/them know that our/their hair is ugly or that they just do not look good. This is normal, don't get offended.
3. When you enter the room at these family gatherings, you must greet everyone in the room individually with a hug or you will be thought of as rude, inconsiderate, and anti-social. This goes for when you leave the gathering as well. So, start leaving 30 minutes before you want to get out the door.
4. Any time we go to one of my Latin family member's houses you will be offered food. Eat it! And always ask for seconds. It's a compliment.
5. If you are not a doctor, lawyer, or accountant, my grandfather will insult you and ask you why you are not one of these professions. He will also ask you for the exact amount of your yearly wages, and there is no way to get out of answering this one.
6. My grandfather will take about 7 years to learn your name, until then, he will just refer to you as "Michael." Just answer to it.
7. If you want to get on my grandfather's good side but do not fall into one of the approved professional categories, do not fear, there is hope. Become a fan of "los Doyers" and all is well.
8. There is always some type of family drama happening and everything is a BIG deal! Every family gathering is almost guaranteed to end with someone being upset about something. If you want all the details, just call grandma. She will give you all the scoop in the most entertaining and dramatic fashion.
This about covers it.