The End of the Day

Because I work part time, there are about four days out of the week where I am with my kids all day long. It seems like no matter how hard I try, on those days, by the time 4:00 p.m. comes around, I look like I just finished running a marathon. My hair is a disaster, my make-up smeared, I am sporting major pit stains, I smell like a men's locker room, and all I want to do is crawl into my bed and close my eyes. My over-all look could be best described as disheveled. I try, I really do try to look good for my hubby and to have the house in order when he comes home from work on Fridays but that is just impossible with the two little hurricanes that I call my children.

I am thinking that someone needs to start a mommy afternoon makeover service. This will consist of a team of 5 people who come to my house 45 minutes before the hubby gets home. One person will be in charge of the kids. They will take the kids outside to stay out of everyone's hair while the makeover is taking place. I will then have 5 minutes to take a shower. The second person, will pick up all toys and clothes laying around the house. They will also do dishes and finish any laundry that is still sitting in the machines and give the house a quick vacuum. The third person will start dinner. The fourth person will do my hair. The fifth person will be in charge of doing my make-up and giving me a 10 minute stress relief shoulder massage. My team of people will disappear 5 minutes before the hubby is due home and when he arrives, I will look refreshed, the house will be tidy, dinner will be in the oven, and I will feel like a successful wife instead of an exhausted marathon runner. Can I get an"Amen?"

My Happy Babies

Potty Mouth

This day was inevitable. I knew it was impossible to avoid it but it still caught me off guard. It is bound to happen to every parent at some point. But yesterday was my day to be completely embarrassed by my child in a public restroom.

It was a series of embarrassing events actually but it started here...We were eating breakfast at a restaurant and Noah informs me that he has to go potty. We go to the public restroom, he does his thing, I am all prepared with the wipes. I ignore the sign directly above the toilet which says, "Do NOT put anything in toilet other than toilet paper." I throw the wipes in the toilet and flush. They do not go down. Noah, flushes again. The stubborn wipes stay in the toilet. Noah, "They're still there mommy, I flush it again?" He tries again to no avail. I tell him that we will just leave them and that somebody else will make them flush. I try to take his mind off it so that when we go back into the restaurant, he doesn't feel the need to share the fact that mommy didn't follow directions. However, as soon as we walk back into the restaurant and he gets a glimpse of my parents, he yells, "THE WIPEES DIDN'T GO DOWN THE TOILET NANA!" I shush him, explain my blunder to my mother, and ignore the stares of all the diners.

Then, as is typical of my son, he has to go the restroom again less than five minutes later. We run to the bathroom, and he sits on the toilet. He hears someone in a nearby stall emptying their bladder and loudly says, "Someone else's going pee pee mommy? Are they standing up or sitting down. They probaly sitting down." I try to tell him to keep his voice down and I whisper that he is right someone else is going pee and they are probably sitting down. As if that was not enough embarrassment for this mommy, a lady steps in the stall directly next to ours and begins to...uh...well...uh...relieve herself. She was quite loud and Noah felt the need to comment on the situation saying, "WHOA MOMMY! THAT WAS A BIIIG FART!" Are you kidding me! I stifle my laughter and clap my hand over his mouth and tell him to be quiet. He looks at me confused and says, "BUT MOMMY, THAT WAS A BIIG FART!" I acknowledge that indeed it was and pray that he hurries up so we can get out of that bathroom before the lady gets out and sees the little boy who is commenting on her bodily functions. We successfully make our escape without being seen and I know that I have just survived the first of many embarrassing public restroom moments with my kid.

I'd really love to hear your embarrassing mommy moment stories so I can feel less embarrassed about mine. Please share in the comments section!

Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue

Every time someone asks Noah what he is going to be for Halloween, he matter-of-factly answers "Buzz Lightyear!" This was not something we'd ever discussed and I never promised him this costume. He just assumed that I was going to take care of that for him, I guess. I have been doing my research to find a decently priced costume but I quickly realized that decently priced Buzz Lightyear costumes complete with the wings, do not exist. The ones through the Disney store are $45.00 and I was not about to pay that kind of money for a costume. I'd given up on my search and decided to just not think about my costume dilemma until October 30th when I'd have to panic. But, God is good. He spared me of an anxiety attack when I found the last Buzz Lightyear costume complete with wings at Costco today for $14.97. It caught my eye as I was on my way to get Edamame. It is a couple sizes too big but we can fix that.

Noah was SOOOOO excited! He could not wait to get home and put it on. Once we put it on him he ran around the house for 15 minutes straight yelling, "To infinity and beyoooond!" Then, I had to break the news to him, that he could not sleep in it. He was devastated. So we compromised by telling him he could wear it to Bup's house on Tuesday (sorry Pam!). Anyways, here is my little Buzz Lightyear...

Photography by Noah and Maia

I just spent forever uploading 465 pictures onto my computer from the camera that Chuck and Pam bought for Noah and Maia. Some of the pictures made me cringe and some made me laugh out loud. Here is what I learned after studying my children's photography...1.)Don't ever let them take pictures of me. They are probably the most unflattering pictures I've ever seen. I think you can see all the way up my nose in the close up Noah took of me. 2.) My children make a HUGE mess when they go to Pam's house (sorry Pam!). 3.) Poor Liam's eyes are probably damaged from how many times my kids caused the camera flash to blind him. 4.)They prefer to take candid shots.

Here is a taste of their photography...

Gallahad

Just when I feel like I am at the end of my mommy rope, like time-out just isn't cutting it anymore, like I've given one too many spankings to no avail, like my child is destined to spend the rest of his life in the "slammer," Gallahad comes to my rescue.

Yesterday, after a long day at work, I went to pick up my kids from Pam's house. As soon as I walked in the door, Noah (holding his Woody toy) says in his whiniest voice, "I don't wanna go home. I wanna watch Cars." A chill goes up my spine as I sense the demon child making himself known. I ignore the urge to exorcise that little demon right out of my child and try to convince him that we will watch Cars at home and that he needs to clean up his toys. He tells me he does not want to clean up and whines profusely. I reason with him some more and threaten a spanking. He throws himself on the floor. I put a toy in his hand and ask him to put it away. He throws it on the floor. I concentrate on keeping my cool. Baby Liam is sleeping so I take Noah outside to spank him. Here is where Gallahad comes in.

Gallahad is Chuck and Pam's big playful Labrador. As soon as we walk outside, he comes over to give us kisses and see if we are coming to play. I kindly ask him to sit and try to get to spanking Noah who is wiggling around and using Woody to cover his little behind so I can't get to it. Gallahad cannot contain himself in all the excitement and gets up from his sitting position to be in the middle of all the action. There I am trying to push the dog away, keep Noah still, and give him a hard enough spanking to get my point across. Somehow I manage. Then, as I am squatting down to be at eye level with Noah and explain that he needs to go back inside, obey, and clean up, I feel something, slimy, cold, and nasty glide across my back. Gallahad had brought his toy which resembled a really big dirty wet sock for me to play with. I grin and bear it accepting that my work clothes are ruined and go back inside.

Again, I hand Noah the toy to put away. Again, he throws it. Again, we go outside to administer a spanking. But, this time right as I am pushing Gallahad away, trying to keep Noah still, and giving a spanking that makes the point; Noah's Woody toy catches Gallahad's eye and he makes a pass at it. Noah screams and pulls the toy away. I get a brilliant idea: "Noah, Gallahad is going to eat Woody if you don't clean up your toys and behave." Gallahad seems to understand and jumps for the toy leaving dog slobber all over Woody's head. Noah screams and begs me not to let Gallahad eat Woody. He goes inside and picks up the toys. I take a deep breath and am tempted to kiss Gallahad even though I am thoroughly grossed out by dogs.

The threat continued to work last night and all day today. Praise the Lord!

Overheard

Here is a conversation I overheard between Ricky and Noah the other day. We'd just arrived home from a long outing and were trying to get the kids out of the car and into the house...

Ricky: Noah, hurry up and get out of your seat! Daddy, has to go pee!

Noah: Go pee pee in your shorts daddy.

Ricky: Ewww Nooo! Daddy needs to go pee pee in the toilet.

Noah: Why?

Ricky: Because Daddy doesn't want to go pee pee in his chonies. Then, I'll have to throw them away! Daddy likes his chonies and doesn't want to throw them in the trash!

Noah: (excitedly) You have Thomas chonies too daddy?!

Embarrassing Moment #232

Have you ever had a monumental case of "Mom-Guilt?" I think this is more common for working moms but I am sure that it can happen to any mom. Here's the story of the day I had a monumental case of "Mom-Guilt" and made a fool of myself...

I knew I was going out of town without my kids for the weekend and I knew that when I came back, although I usually have Mondays off, that particular Monday, I would have to work. I calculated in my head all of the hours that meant I would be missing with my kids and beat myself up for it the entire month leading up to my trip. I worried about it and nearly gave myself an anxiety attack thinking that my kids would think that I had abandoned them, that they would be miserable without me, and that they would never forgive me for leaving them for 4 days.

While I was on my weekend getaway, I missed them, but I was having such a wonderful time with my hubby and my friends and my kids were having such a wonderful time with their grandparents that my "Mom-Guilt" faded away.

When we picked them up Sunday night at 8:30 p.m., we spent only about 30 minutes with them before we had to put them to bed. They had had a great time with their grandparents and didn't seem to miss us at all. Still, I had a hard time falling asleep that night because the "Mom-Guilt" had returned. What kind of mother only spends 30 minutes with her kids after an entire weekend away and then goes to work the next day? I told Noah that I would see him tomorrow and he is going to be so disappointed when I tell him I have to go to work. He is going to feel abandoned, I just know it!

I woke up on Monday morning and headed off to work while the kids were still asleep feeling terrible for having to be away from my kids for the fourth day in a row. At 8:20a.m., I received a phone call from Noah. He was sobbing. "Moooommy. Where are you? Come home. I miss you. You'll come back?" My stomach dropped, the lump caught in my throat, I could feel my face become hot, and my eyes quickly filled with tears. Pull it together. You are at work. It was too late. The tears were spilling from my eyes . I tried to steady my voice for my son and I assured him that I would be home later. He cried harder. As I was trying to end the conversation, one of my co-workers came into my office to tell me something and was completely caught off guard when she saw me sobbing on the phone. I hung up and told her I was fine but then I started crying all over again. Then, to make matters worse my boss walked in as I was trying to pull myself together enough to tell my co-worker why I was so upset. He stepped in my office to see what the commotion is all about. You would think I was crying over a death in my family or something...this is so embarrasing...Ay yaiy yaiy! I finally stopped crying enough to explain that I was a basket case because I was suffering from a bad case of "Mom-Guilt!"

What's That Smell?

Pretty soon my ability to sniff out gross items is going to be right up there with the abilities of drug and bomb dogs. You know how those dogs get a whiff of something and then they follow the smell until they find the culprit? Well, that seems to be a perfect picture of what I do on a weekly basis. Whether it is a poopy diaper, curdled milk in a sippy cup left in the car, or a rotten banana in my purse, my nose can sniff it out. Ricky is actually getting very good at this a well. Together, we make a great "discovering the gross item" team.

On Sunday, upon returning from our trip, I was delighted to walk into my immaculate house. The cleaning lady had come while we were gone and I was thrilled to know that my house was actually clean for 3 days straight only because we were not in it. Anyways, I opened the door to the kids' room to appreciate it in its non-messy state, when my nostrils were grossly offended by a nasty odor. The room was spotless and yet there was putrid suffocating smell filling the room. My first instinct is always to assume that a nasty smell is poop. But, as I searched the room for a dirty diaper, I found nothing. I called in my fellow expert, my husband to help sniff out the offender. Because his first reaction was not a gag reflex, I knew it was not poop. I suggested that maybe there was a dead animal in the room. He sniffed out both cribs, the dirty clothes hamper, the dresser, and the closet. As he continued to sniff around the room, his nose led him to a diaper bag tucked in the corner behind Maia's crib. We had not used that diaper bag for at least 3 months. He held it at arm's length once he knew that the smell was coming from the bag and was going to just throw the bag in the outside trash. However, for my own educational purposes and for future reference, I asked him to search each compartment of the bag to discover the offender.

In the last compartment that he checked he pulled out a ziploc sandwich bag with a bunch of nasty colored liquid in it and a big chunk of something undefinable from the distance which I was viewing it. Ricky recognized it as lunch meat. Turkey to be exact. Now I know that the smell of turkey which has been sitting in a warm room for over 90 days resembles the smell of a dead rotting animal.

We were both very proud of our well-trained noses that day and we were happy to be rid of the lingering nastiness that had been in the kids' room for weeks (which I had attributed to the last poopy diaper I had changed or to Noah's farts).

With two young kids so close in age, this mommy often forgets to take food items out of diaper bags, purses, and cars which is why Ricky is so good at sniffing out gross items. I officially bestowed on Ricky the award for the Best Sniffer Outer of Gross Items. I will be having a plaque made tomorrow.

A Wonderful Weekend

Ricky and I had a wonderful weekend away in Sebastopol and San Francisco this weekend. We went up there with two of our very best friends for a wedding and we had a great time even though one person in our party was deathly ill!!!

My favorite part of the trip was discovering blackberry bushes, picking them, and eating them fresh off the vine. I don't know what it is with me and picking fruit...I obviously have an unhealthy obsession. I may need to find a kleptomaniacs anonymous group for fruit picking. Anyways, the blackberries were delicious even though the bushes attacked my sweater and nearly held me hostage.

We also explored San Francisco and drove an $8,000,000.00 tug boat! My friend Jen's brother is a tug boat captain and he gave us a tour of his boat and let us take a crack at driving it. My turn did not last too long because I was on my way to taking out a sail boat. Apparently it is not a good idea to give me control of an $8,000,000.00 piece of machinery.

I did drink Peet's coffee everyday while we were there because I heard that it originated in San Francisco. It was amazing and lived up to all of my expectations.

The wedding was beautiful and I had a wonderful time seeing many friends from high school and watching my best friend from high school get married. The wedding was on a vineyard and was one of the prettiest weddings I've ever been to.

I did miss my babies all weekend but realized that weekends away like this need to be a yearly goal of mine. I had so much fun spending time with my hubby and with my friends.

I'm Famous...Well Kinda

Last Wednesday when I went into work, our sweet receptionist Sue said, "You're in the paper!" I was shocked, "Huh?" "Well, your blog is in the paper," she said. Oh no! What was my last post about...stealing an apple...the cops are coming for me. I just know it. Have I posted anything recently about neglecting my kids or my empty refrigerator or my super- messy-unfit- for- children house? CPS is sure to come after me. Sue must have noticed the frantic look on my face because she assured me that it was a positive article and gave me the paper. I ran back to my office and quickly skimmed the article until I found the blurb about me...

"Some of the material on the eight blogs at Crossroads Church in Corona has nothing to do with religion. One lay blogger, a young mother, writes mostly about subjects such as potty-training and outings with her family. She sometimes acknowledges faults, such as when she was upset when a barista did not properly make her coffee drink. 'Those blog entries illustrate to potential church members that Christians share many of the same experiences as anyone else, and that they don't pretend to be perfect,' said the Rev Doug Husen, associate pastor of Crossroads. 'A common reason people are turned off by religion is the perception that religious people are hypocrites,' he said. 'This keeps us real and gives people a window into our lives,'he said. 'They realize, this person is a person just like me.'"

Okay, so I know that the author didn't mention name or my website but I knew he was talking about me and so did Sue, so that makes me semi-famous, right?! The entire article was about how churches are using the web to attract people and win them to Christ. I find it hilarious that they used my blog as an example. But, I am ever so grateful to the author of the article for being so kind and not using one of my letters to Mid-Life Crisis Man or one of my sarcastic letters to CPS blog posts as examples!

Pumpkin Wordless Wednesday

Glen Oak 2009

We went to Glen Oak today to pick apples but apparently none of the farms up there are allowing people to pick their own apples this year. However, I am a very determined person and I had built up this apple picking thing to Noah for a few weeks. I was NOT about to leave that place without picking an apple off a tree.

On our way out of the last orchard we visited, I noticed a lone apple in one of the trees near the road. I told Ricky to stop the truck and I scanned our surroundings for any orchard workers. There were none in sight. Ricky shot me the you-are-the-craziest-woman-I-know eye roll as I lowered my voice to a whisper and told him to get Noah out of his car seat as inconspicuously as possible. I did not want to draw any attention to our illegal activity. Noah loudly asked, "What we gonna do?" I shushed him, pointed out the apple to him and told him that daddy was going to pick him up and he was to pick the apple. I stuck my camera out through the sun roof of the truck and captured Noah's single illegal apple pick on camera so that we remember this moment forever...oh and so that you could all see it right here on my blog! Noah was happy, I was happy, and I am sure the apple was happy to be put out of its lonely misery.

I Knew This Would Happen

See what happens when you never remember to brush your kid's teeth?

Snipets From My Week

Noah said "Holy Crap" again. Ay yaiy yaiy!

I wrestled with Maia and pinned her down just so I could out her hair in pig tails. I was a sweaty mess, and her face was red and tear-stained but her hair was soooo cute. Totally worth it!

Maia threw up all over Noah's car seat on Thursday and I still have not washed it. Either the smell faded or I got used to it because I don't smell it anymore. Febreeze is amazing!

Speaking of throwing up...Noah threw up in the car on our way to dinner with friends on Friday night. I just happened to have towels in the car and put one on his lap right before he threw up. All the vomit ended up in the towel. No messes to clean up, just a towel lost. It was one of my proudest mom moments! Noah felt better, we went to dinner, and everyone was happy!

The Terrible Twos are getting more terrible. I didn't know that was possible. The time-out spot is never lonely and I am looking into a sound proof "time out booth" so that my ears don't hurt from Noah's dramatic screaming.

Maia has decided that I must hold her at all times. No one else will do. My legs and my back are always in pain due to this new little phase.

Noah is all of a sudden super picky and getting skinnier by the second. He refuses to eat almost anything I make and I refuse to make him something different. I'm not a short order cook, ya know. Hopefully this too passes quickly.

Noah is the biggest baby ever when it comes to "owies." He got a tiny scrape on his knee last Wednesday and walked with a limp for 2 days afterwards. He still has the same band aid (gross, I know) on it because he won't let us go near it to take it off. The band aid is so dirty and disgusting. Hopefully there is not a bacteria party going on under there.

Letter to Target

Dear Target,

I have a bone to pick with you. I'll just come right out and say it, you're hurting my bank account. You see, you have all of the necessities at such great prices but you entice me to go through all the unnecessary sections as soon as I step foot in the store. Today, I went I to get some fabric softener but as soon as I walked in the door, a purse caught my eye. It beckoned me over and told me that I could not leave the store without it. It would be lonely without me, besides it was on clearance. Then, it jumped into my cart. How could I tell it to get out? That would just be rude!

I determined to make a bee line for the fabric softener aisle, but on my way, noticed all the cute little girl clothing. Before I knew it I was in the toddler section and the cutest little dress made its way into my cart. This too was on sale and begged me to purchase it. Now, since Fall is here, Maia could not wear the dress without leggings, it is just too cold and since the leggings were only $3.77, it really would not be that big of a deal. I added them to the cart.

My shopping trip continued at this rate and I ended up spending over $75.00 on things that are super cute but unnecessary and really not in my budget. I would really appreciate if you could somehow make it possible to only purchase the necessities such as detergent, toothpaste, face wash, cleaning supplies, and diapers. My husband's suggestion is to add a second story and put all the unnecessary items upstairs under lock and key with a guard in front of the gate who requires a signed permission note from my husband to let me in. My husband would be ever so grateful.

Sincerely,

Self- Control Deficient

The Fair

So we went to the Fair on Wednesday night because we had a coupon to get in for cheaper. I don't want to know how much we would have spent if we didn't have a coupon, that place is a rip off! But, I must say the kids LOVED it. I even let my guard down for a few minutes to let them both enjoy their very first ice cream cone. As you can see from the pictures it was a hit! Noah loved going on all the rides and Ricky was a bit nauseous from going with him on all of them. For the most part it was fun, although the ride home was definitely NOT fun! As I've said before, if my kids are not on their schedules, they are little devils. We stayed at the Fair until 9:30, 2 hours past their bed time. This meant that we got to hear them scream their heads off for 20 minutes on the ride home. Next year, I'll re-think my timing.